At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
