Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
