I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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