Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
