OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
