LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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