This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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