I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
