I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
