there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
