Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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