Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
