HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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