I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize