dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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