I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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