I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
