I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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