i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
