you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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