I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
