So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
