I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
