yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
