Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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