so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
