HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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