Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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