I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
