All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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