i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
