if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize