Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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