im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
