Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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