Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Where is the hickey?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
