I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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