is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
