new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
