yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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