I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
