What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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