I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
