you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
