Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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