Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
