I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
