i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
