i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
