1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
