The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize