I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
