yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
