We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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