I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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