if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
