i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
