I want to have your abortion
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
